The Exploration of My Sexuality
My sexuality isn't something I can put in a box and leave for later.
After the loss of my father, I gave myself permission to do things I may never would have done if he were still alive. My father kept me grounded and accountable. There was an expectation I had to meet and a persona I felt I had to keep up.
When I came out, I thought I was going to be released from my burdens. Free to be myself. I thought I was going to be fixed from everything that kept me in a black hole. But I was wrong. It did not fix how I looked at myself.
I chose to come out on Facebook so I could let the world know at once. Ironically, it was National Coming Out Day. I figured there was no better day. Plus, I knew if I didn't do it then, I never would.
Once I hit send, there was no turning back. The anxiety and anticipation of what people would say kept me in suspense. At first, I didn't want to see the comments but once I saw the positive and encouraging words, I wanted to read more. There was no judgement. No hate. Just pure love. Granted, there were others I never heard from. Sometimes silence can be the loudest comment.
I ‘ve been struggling with the complexity of my sexuality.
Can I change this?
Can I fix this?
Can I ignore this?
My sexuality isn’t something I can put in a box and leave for later. It stays with me wherever I go. Although we live in a time where it’s a lot easier to come out, there was still judgement on my part. I realized, it wasn’t that I was afraid of what others would say or if they would look at me differently, I was afraid of saying it out loud.
Being straight is comfortable to society. However, just because something is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
Although I am experiencing more conflict by being my true self, I am finding happiness. I have found freedom. I had to force myself to reach out of my comfort zone and become uncomfortable. It was the only way of overcoming my fears.