The Exploration of My Sexuality

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My sexuality isn't something I can put in a box and leave for later.

 

After the loss of my father, I gave myself permission to do things I may never would have done if he were still alive. My father kept me grounded and accountable. There was an expectation I had to meet and a persona I felt I had to keep up.

When I came out, I thought I was going to be released from my burdens. Free to be myself. I thought I was going to be fixed from everything that kept me in a black hole. But I was wrong. It did not fix how I looked at myself.

I chose to come out on Facebook so I could let the world know at once. Ironically, it was National Coming Out Day. I figured there was no better day. Plus, I knew if I didn't do it then, I never would.

Once I hit send, there was no turning back. The anxiety and anticipation of what people would say kept me in suspense. At first, I didn't want to see the comments but once I saw the positive and encouraging words, I wanted to read more. There was no judgement. No hate. Just pure love. Granted, there were others I never heard from. Sometimes silence can be the loudest comment.

I ‘ve been struggling with the complexity of my sexuality.

Can I change this?

Can I fix this?

Can I ignore this?

My sexuality isn’t something I can put in a box and leave for later. It stays with me wherever I go. Although we live in a time where it’s a lot easier to come out, there was still judgement on my part. I realized, it wasn’t that I was afraid of what others would say or if they would look at me differently, I was afraid of saying it out loud.

Being straight is comfortable to society. However, just because something is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

Although I am experiencing more conflict by being my true self, I am finding happiness. I have found freedom. I had to force myself to reach out of my comfort zone and become uncomfortable. It was the only way of overcoming my fears. 

You have to believe in yourself and put yourself out there no matter how uncomfortable it may feel. It's the only way of growing.